If it was 1987 I’d tell you to pick up the yellow pages and let your fingers do the walking. Use your land-line to make a few phone calls and find some addresses before you venture out into the cold cruel world to connect the dots. You’d find all those things within a few pages of each other in the phone book. Remember when people had phone books?
That was then. This is now. It is what it is. What is it? What it is. It’s not as though you are venturing out on a Saturday morning full of potential to purchase a bike, a barstool and some beer. I’m just setting you up so you have those items in mind, so you can connect the dots.
Are you a zen roadmaster? Or is it just roadmaster zen?
All roads lead to teletubby hill.
You know you’re dehydrated when you take a leak and it comes out like margarine. I can’t believe it’s not butter. I stopped drinking water in 1997 and started riding the coffee-beer continuum. My thirst reflex is incredibly low. Where most people’s bodies are telling them to drink more water, they’re dehydrated, they’re brains are shrinking, my body has learned to ignore that. Or my mind has learned to ignore my body. It’s even easier to forget to drink water when it’s cold outside, you’re wearing two sweaters and your hands are freezing.
This brings me to a thought I had last night while sitting on a barstool. There’s a recurring injury among bike messengers that I’ll refer to as: The barstool hamstring cramp (BHC)
Several related maladies exist, however BHC is the most common, visible, relatively pleasant and socially acceptable so I’ll stick with it for now.
BHC exists at the intersection where three roads meet, the confluence where three rivers meet, that special place where three conditions occur. Physical exertion, dehydration and alcohol consumption.
Physical exertion: bike messengers ride bikes, some of them ride their bikes a lot, cover a lot of distance, spend a lot of time in the saddle. Some of them don’t. But all of them have solid legs. The quadriceps become over developed, even massive (The Tripletts of Belleville) creating an imbalance with the hamstrings. And messengers are not known for their stretching regimens.
Dehydration: even in a static state, even in cooler weather, even in drab office cubicles…the body needs water.
Alcohol consumption: diuretic shmiuretic. Beer is mostly water. Of course those 4 tall boys you had earlier in the day might be having an effect on you, might be affecting you. But let’s focus on the barstool.
After a long day of bike riding, and perhaps a couple beers along the way, some messengers like to unwind at a local watering hole. Belly up to the bar. Hop on a barstool. Order a pitcher of beer. This brings us to that intersection, that confluence, that special place we talked about earlier. Sitting on the stool, the knees bend to an acute angle that depends on the height of the stool and the length of the messenger’s legs and when all the factors are in place the hamstring muscle will seize up. Locked like a cannonball hanging from a string of tendon.
Here’s where experience comes into play. The old crusty vets just wince a bit, stand up and walk it off. The young fresh rookies flop off the stool, writhing in pain on the floor, they create quite a scene.
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