-new spew-

hundreds and hundreds more RAGBRAI photos here

A firm handshake, eye contact and a smile are more important to me than a written contract or any paperwork you can come up with. But you just took a wicked shit and ran out of the men’s room with out washing your hands. Have a nice day Mr. Big Shot Attorney, I’m glad I don’t have to shake your hand.

Potato salad sandwiches. Open face bagel melts smothered in pasta salad. Baked potatoes topped with potato chips. Cold spaghetti wrapped in a tortilla. Why would I drink low carb beer? That’s like eating an entire cheesecake and sipping a non-fat latte. That’s like eating 4 Big Macs with fries and sipping a diet coke. That’s like low alcohol whiskey. Don’t get me wrong. I can drink Milwaukee’s Best Light all day long. I’ll drink Busch Light because it’s on sale. I will not go out of my way and pay more money for Michelob Ultra because it’s got less carbs but I‘d like to think I can still live life to the ultra.

Appetite suppressant, nutritional supplement, social lubricant.
Sports recovery drink, breath freshener, attitude adjustment.
Lunch, snack, on the go      anytime.
 
Got beer?
Beer it’s what’s for dinner.
Beer it’s not just for breakfast anymore. 

You think your job sucks? Think your boss sucks?

Email your story to pilderwasser@msn.com and
it will be cut & pasted -as is- onto the your job sucks page

after you read some of these stories, you won’t feel so bad.

the first person to bring me one of these signs, gets a pilderwasser T-shirt

if you bring a metal one with the green arrows, that's a bonus 

...

Come Monday, it'll be alright

All the healthy attitude, pleasant outlook, discipline, motivation and goal oriented focus found briefly over the weekend, wore off by Monday afternoon. By Wednesday, swimming in a fog, staring at an extra large indifference salad with a side of malaise. But by Friday things don’t seem so bad.

Everyone has their own ways to avoid the bummer life

It’s all in what you focus on. If you choose to ignore something, you’re just aiming your focus on something else. Pay attention, ignore, drown out, eat more Cheetos, smoke another pack, suppress it, repress it, displace it, deal with it, distract, go for a walk or view through the bottom of a pint glass. 220...221...whatever it takes.

sub-pop photo

thanks for the shirt Sam. I like kittens but what's the the rmals?

reconnected with an old friend today outside 1001. He kept sneaking up on me when I wasn’t looking as if he wanted something in my bag. I gave him a few peanuts but I think he was more interested in the remnants of a tuna sandwich from a sloppy day camp kid that had lunch in the same spot earlier.


Holding a few Kings, standing by and by.
Electronic filing is taking a bite out of business and idle hands are tools of the brewing company. So I decided to make a list. Then I could go back and check it twice and feel like I accomplished something. It all started when a truck drove by claiming to be an expert gutter cleaner.

Gutter cleaner, leaf blower, weed whacker, grave digger, dog walker, chain tensioner, house painter, divorce lawyer, downtube shifter, hair straightener, left handed putter, art history professor, Honjo fender, Christian Science Monitor, Des Moines Register, baggage handler, beautiful bartender, 3-ring binder, Seattle Legal driver, KnR courier, ABC legal messenger, friendly reminder, backed up sewer, lilac honeysuckle conditioner, play-by-play announcer, designated hitter, pure shooter, left-footed midfielder, outside linebacker, allstar centerfielder, barefooted kicker, sure handed receiver, yoga instructor, puppies & kittens calendar, permanent marker, pawnshop DVD player, mortgage broker, investment banker, meat tenderizer, potato peeler, cherry pitter, apple corer, boring copywriter, hot candy striper, burned out stripper, underwater basket weaver, angry vengeful dispatcher, Texas Instruments calculator, two way pager, smoke jumper, fuzzy pink pipe cleaner, train conductor, cat shit scooper, fingernail polish remover, wedding singer, sleazy photographer, small-time silk screener, 4 D battery vibrator

End of list.

hey Kevin, why didn't you get the red one? 

Seattle traffic is a delicate little ecosystem, easily upset by the slightest change in its surrounding environment or the most subtle disturbance. A sporting event, visiting dignitary, political protesters, road construction or just a dead pigeon in the street. Traffic chokes to a halt, flow ceases and the arteries are blocked. At times walking is faster than driving. And most of the time in the core a bike is the way to go. Like dickstank said, "bike messengers are like helpful parasites, easing constipation in the bowels of the city." 

this time it's for real

until next time

The pendulum keeps swinging. Eventually it will catch up and pass you.
But don’t worry, you’ll catch it on the way back. Or just sit and wait for it.

tonight will be fine

Please, can I just get some advice?

it's all fun and games until somebody poops their pants

Water proof.
It keeps the rain out and it keeps the sweat in.
Would you rather be soaked in rain or soaked in sweat?

Water resistant. Breathable.
It doesn’t really keep the rain out and it sort of lets the sweat out.
Half-assing it both ways just might be better than fully committing one way

middle of the road milquetoast

Would you rather wear a Rock Racing team kit or a Candy Striper Uniform?

you can only choose one and you must wear it to work all day long

Special orders don't upset "us" 

We’ll be right over
No problem
We’ll pick it up in less than a minute and
We’ll have it delivered in less than 10
with a smile
It’s a round trip?
No problem
It’s 36 bankers boxes?
No problem
It’s rural Whatcom County?
No problem
It’s after 6:30pm?
No problem at all

I’ll take six of one, half dozen of the other and couple of those too.

56 once told me, if the Rolling Stones are playing in the background, pay attention, something important is about to happen.

Seattle PI - Mike Kane photo  

7:45am - Friday July 25, 2008 - North Liberty, Iowa

would you pay $30 for a beer hat (plus shipping) made from a 12 pack

or would you prefer to buy a 12 pack for $7.49, drink it and then put the empty box on your head.

Yesterday I got a 30 pack of Beast for $13.99. Drink that and the empty box would look good on anybody.

Why does the nausea seem to hit me in the face when the elevator doors close? This stagnant little cube of office building air is not helping me locate my coordinates in the no-man’s land between drunk and hung-over. But at least I’m not sharing this one with a herd of loud talking backslapping officetrons trying to one-up each other with tales of conspicuous weekend consumption. Stay on the sunny side, always on the sunny side…yeah right. A 42 story elevator ride is plenty of time to shed a layer or two because that ride into town always makes me feel overdressed. It’s because my apartment is so cold which leads to donning too many layers for the downhill bomb into base. And then when pedaling is required it gets too hot. Whatever. I think I’m still drunk. They said this delivery is office service but it’s a Federal subpoena and obviously it should be process service. The date on the messenger slip is five months old there‘s no suite number and they don‘t even know how to fill out the slip. Do you want me to do it right or do you want me to do what you say? I know you don’t know what you’re doing but I also know how to play the game. And I know you will try and change your mind and blame me next week when the attorney blames you. But most importantly I know how to cover my ass. Rubber stamp this. I don’t feel so good. Maybe I should take off this sweater. Maybe I need to take a shit. Maybe I’m closer to hung-over than drunk. I took a shower but I wonder if I smell like beer. If I had eaten some food yesterday would I feel better right now? Maybe I should try drinking water once in a while. I‘ve heard some good things about water. I’m ditching this sweater…oh of course now the elevator stops. On 38. It’s the FedEx woman. I like her. She’s just going up to 39 but she’s sort of attractive in an interesting I‘d-like-to-take-your-clothes-off kind of way. I’m glad I didn’t have all my shirts all the way off when the doors opened. Just another disaster avoided. Another hair-raising close call in the dangerous reckless tattooed pierced rebellious misfit life of a bike messenger. Whatever. Been that. Done there. A few hundred times. I’m still drunk. What time is it?

Process Service at 603 Stewart
actual conversation:

I’m pretty busy here, do you need something?

No I just have a subpoena for you.

How do you know it’s for me?

Because I’ve been here before  (About 25 times, your name is on the door you grumpy old CPA you‘re the only one here and you‘re so served)

Oh.