what was that? is that all there is? who is this? this is it.

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Jean Lafitte

January 28, 2020

well I’ve never been to heaven but I’ve been to Oklahoma…

 

I have never been to Louisiana but I have been to the Bike Works warehouse sale which is where I got this Jean Lafitte National Historic Park and Preserve souvenir water bottle for less than 50 cents (NWT)

Since I purchased the water bottle I learned a bit about Mr. Jean Lafitte but what really interests me is how things like this end up at a small nonprofit bike shop, chucked in a box with all the other shit nobody wants and then sold at the annual warehouse sale or just shipped off to the landfill. 

Did somebody get this from their grandma in New Orleans? Did somebody buy this for their grandma when they took a field trip to the historic park and preserve? 

It’s not such a great water bottle in the context of cycling but it is translucent purple plastic and it makes me laugh and it can teach you a tiny little bit about Jean Lafitte and supply chain logistics. 

 


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ask me

January 23, 2020

self portrait as a pile of shitty old bikes

January 22, 2020

the Warehouse Sale is Sunday

 

 


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first things first

January 22, 2020

Apply structural spackle 

with trowel to any cracks visible 

reapply as needed

gratuitously lumpy

lay it on thick 

takes two tries to 

make it stick 

in a stuttering circular motion

counterclockwise 

in the northern hemisphere 

it won’t do anything

but take a coat of paint

until the next real rain 

but it feels like you’re

accomplishing something 

 


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macular degeneration

January 18, 2020

interpolation

extrapolation

pure speculation

misinterpretation

not trying to cause a big sensation

it’s just macular degeneration

lacking the vocabulary 

to accurately describe the taste

or maybe I just don’t care

enough to try

you know what I mean

you know what I mean? 

salty sour bitter smokey

hungry                  or not 

what are you eating under there? 

underwear

 

 


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walking the walk

January 17, 2020

. sent this photo yesterday

I kinda like bikes for a lot of reasons and this photo has a lot of bike to like 

and those in the know know that that is Alor's bag 


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revisionist history repeats repeatedly

January 15, 2020

Rolling off the hill around 8am that day in the snow the streets were quiet but I heard a solitary voice in the distance yell “Matt”  I looked over and yelled “Steve?” We cautiously rode down toward the 98101 but pulled over at 300 E. Pike and pressed our faces to the window and who did we see behind the bar but Krista, one of the all time greatest bartenders ever, prepping to open up in a few hours. She unlocked the door and let us in. I have to say it was a good day or at least it was a good morning in the rose colored nostalgic retrospect that 11+ years allows one to smooth things over with and remember what they choose to remember. 

 


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supersaturation

January 10, 2020

Psychosomatic is it

looks like shit

smells like shit

there’s a good chance it is shit

a rather strong correlation

can we jump to causation?

supersaturation

if you’re not part of the solution

you’re part of the precipitate

precipitating more precipitation

is it raining? 

an economist and a sociologist walk into a bar  

the bartender says, is this a fucking joke? 

I have some theories 

about what you’re drinking 

but where’s the anthropologist? 

 

 

In my mind I see Professor David Gerard (economist) and Professor Jeffrey Kidder (sociologist) walk into a bar. I’m already sitting at my favorite stool in the corner, close enough to hear their conversation but not really contribute too much to it. Just in observation mode I take detailed mental notes but forget half of them. The bartender is playing Yo La Tengo's "I'm not afraid of you and I will beat your ass" at just the right volume. Gerard a former rugby player doesn’t drink anymore so he’s having a soda water.  Kidder a former bike messenger may or may not have a beer. But they’ll both have some interesting commentary on the situation and they both ride bikes. 

 

 


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same shit different daze

January 7, 2020

The anxiety manifests in a dream taking place in the basement of a medium sized mid century apartment building where all the action apparently happens in a large windowless room filled with antiquated mismatched coin-op laundry machines.  Your load is in the wash almost finished and you cannot find an available dryer. You also have another load to wash and there’s a lot of competition from the 14 other people milling around who seem to be in the same boat. They’re all characters from your past. Some vaguely familiar. Some disturbingly close to home and all up in your face.  

 

lint filters

dryer ducts

quarter slots

fabric softener

color safe bleach

change machines

people magazines

handmade signs

slathered in scotch tape

OUT OF ORDER 

dim digital readouts

blacked out

spin cycles rocking

racking    clacking 

ticking

timers counting down

 

 

It’s all just an extension of sound transit’s anxiety inducing connect 2020. Bikes restricted at the Pioneer Square station where all passengers must exit to continue their trip and there’s no fucking way you’ll get back on with a bike at the International District stop and good luck at University Street. Crush capacity 4-car trains every 12 minutes somehow do not equal 3-car trains every 6 minutes bro. And to top it all off their new recorded messages being barked loudly repeatedly repeated in an annoying middle manager type trying to be authoritative white guy voice telling me to stand behind the yellow line and show proof of payment and not to even think about bikes in Pioneer Square. I prefer the non descript computer generated female voice clearly clear of the uncanny valley. I had the commute dialed in like clockwork and now it’s not and my clothes are wet and there don't seem to be any dryers available and there are so many people up in my face. 

 

jump bikes 

available near you

form of payment 

proof of payment 

can’t sit down

can’t move 

can’t breathe 

exit to my right 

on demand bike lockers

ticking timers

counting down 

 

 


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make change happen

January 2, 2020

into and out of existence

less is more

everything you need

nothing you don’t

those who say don’t know

those who know don’t say

it’s the same on the weekends

as the rest of the days

radiating from or contracting to

the original source

it won’t go away 

it will only change shape

from nothingness to nothingness

everywhere    anywhere

somewhere   along the way

between renewal and decay

 

 


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2020 hindsight

December 31, 2019

uv resistant

December 30, 2019

dig if you will the picture of a picture in late December when a spot of sunlight makes it all the way to the basement through a doorway and down a narrow stairway onto the wall onto a castoff print of a mellow non-objective non-controversial non-confrontational composition seen in places like dentist offices that cater to older clientele a print framed in uv-resistant glass that hasn’t seen the sun for 30 years as it’s been reflecting the fluorescent light radiating from government issue fixtures in a basement office until now where it’s lined up to be set free as surplus property and that spot of sunlight is just a taste of what’s out there. 

 

is it raining?

 


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job opening opening

December 26, 2019

they're hiring at the education factory


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i'm not your jimmy john

December 24, 2019

There will be no dress rehearsal

There will be no stunt double

 

There will be no Bucky’s training day

There will be no dry run

 

There will be no phone-a-friend

There will be no back up plan

 

There will be no practice test

There will be no grace period

 

There will be no second chances

There will be no window of opportunity

 

There will be a complimentary continental breakfast

Served in the lobby for building tenants only

 

Up this high at twice the price it’s easy to see

Suckers buying one to get one free

 

There truth is out there

Or maybe it’s in here

 

Reading the low point on the meniscus

Between two peaks             a valley

 

After the locals leave

Before the tourists show up


There’s a lull   a pause    a hiatus

That’s the place   that is the place    I want to be 

 


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it's the most amazon prime of the year

December 23, 2019

it wouldn't be christmas without Toni Braxton's red turtleneck


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is it raining?

December 20, 2019

low pro neon camo bro

December 17, 2019

 

front seat on the short bus

low profile neon camouflage

delicate dainty double wide single serving

glass of box wine on ice

schlepping shabby chic

another issue of life quality

sweeping the dirt floor thoroughly

touristy Chihuly sincerely OMG

hands free bluetooth uncouth

sosixweeksago

antibacterial broccoli cheese potato

individually wrapped cherry tomato

non slip adhesive strip

nonfat decaf extra whip

dark chocolate  no fluffy trendy shit

business casual cutoffs

four wheel drive in theater

Volvo Valvoline Vaseline Vulva

nonstick chapstick dipstick chopstick

Jesus H Christ  popsicle stick

soft warm melted cheesy

it just got too easy

built-in handicap tacked on piggyback

self-inflicted equalizer

six of one  half dozen the other

shampoo effect preconceived notion

you know the deal     it puts the lotion

Blue Angel food cake under clawfoot tub

housed like Lee Majors like majorly housed

more before noon than most people do all day

adopting public space for personal use

step into my office

 


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quintessentialer pilderwasser december

December 14, 2019

the golden hammer

December 12, 2019

When all you have is a hammer

Everything looks like a nail

 

When all you have is a PhD in bioengineering

Everything looks like a pile of discarded styrofoam 

 

When all you have is an unachievable ideal

Everything looks like a letdown 

 

When all you have is a scooter

Everything looks like a sidewalk

 

When all you have is a cone wrench

Looks like your pedals can stay on for awhile 

 

When all you have is zip ties

Everything looks like it’s coming loose

 

When all you have is facebook friends

Everything looks fake as fuck   

 

When all you have is a mission statement 

Everything looks like mission creep

 

When all you have is a u-lock

Everything looks like a bike rack 

 

When all you have is longneck bottles

Everything looks like a bottle opener 

 

When all you have is a bottle opener

Everything looks like a screw top 

 

When all you have is Amazon

Everything looks a click away

 

When all you have is chicken 

Everything tastes like chicken

 

When all you have is Kenny G

Shut the fuck up 

 

When all you have is a cornfield

Everything looks like a urinal

 

When all you have is urinal mints

Everything smells like the mens room 

 

When all you have is the Mens Room

Everything sounds like 99.9 KISW

 

When all you have is student loan debt

Everything looks like a credit card

 

When all you have is Coors Light

Everything feels like a headache  


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traffic mitigation

December 9, 2019

not bike racks

traffic mitigation devices

  

i’m not grumpy

i’m underwhelmed

 

orange you glad

i didn’t say disappointed

 

it’s a joke

that’s not funny 

 

your anxiety 

gets to me

 

you wear me out  ***

you   wear  me   out

 

there is no reward 

for being efficient


there is no penalty 

for being a goldbricking fucktard

 

it all pays

the same

 


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